Making the Right Thing Easy
This may come as a surprise to you, but the clothesline is not a thing of the past. There are, in fact, plenty of them in the backyards of my neighbors and friends, and they are put to use in the spring as soon as we can be sure the wet clothes won’t freeze. Location is important. One must consider whether the line will expose the clothes to gravel road dust--a layer of dust on a load of clean clothes is maddening. I prefer the area be well lit in the mornings, when the sun is not too hot, and the time of day I prefer to wash. The wind direction is perhaps the most important factor. Our prevailing winds are north/northwest, so, to have a clothesline run north/south would be just silly. When I put a load of freshly washed sheets and bedding out, I don’t want them to hand in dead air, or get bunched up at one end of the line. I want to see them waving in the wind!
That is, until it’s time to go out and collect those sheets. It would be nice if the wind would just settle down, and I could easily pull each item off. I like to stand out by the line, and fold as I go, so I can carry them into the house and put them directly away. But more often than not, the laundry is flapping like wild birds, ready to take flight if I drop a pin too soon. There was a time
That is, until it’s time to go out and collect those sheets. It would be nice if the wind would just settle down, and I could easily pull each item off. I like to stand out by the line, and fold as I go, so I can carry them into the house and put them directly away. But more often than not, the laundry is flapping like wild birds, ready to take flight if I drop a pin too soon. There was a time
I was a young woman when I made this discovery, but confirmation of this law of nature soon arrived in the form of a daughter, and three years later, another daughter. As any caregiver of toddlers knows, newly mobile children are one of the greatest power sources known to mankind. They are climbing the furniture, pulling on the pets, tasting anything with a scent. What interests them most is exploring the world, discovering what feels good, what tastes bad. If something makes them happy, “MORE! AGAIN!” If something makes them sad or scared, they look for comfort in a safe place. Concepts such as rules, order and control are foreign at this point, but it is time for the lessons to begin.
I began noticing how parenting styles varied, but principally, there were the “no” parents and the “yes” parents. The “no” parents were the ones telling their children things like, “Don’t sit on the dog!” “Don’t put your fingers in the toaster!” “Don’t eat that cookie you found on the floor!” As I watched these kids grow, I could see what they thought of themselves. Years of hearing “no, no, no!” had the effect of making them feel either that they were naughty children, who could do no right, or powerless, because they were accustomed to having their energy squelched. They often became either great fighters, or door mats.
The “yes” parents are the permissive type. You know, the ones who bring their brood over for coffee, and then visit with you calmly while their kids raid and pillage, all the while not noticing anything amiss. If you drive by their house at 11 pm, the kids might be still out playing in the middle of the street, after the parents had gone to bed. While these kids are marvelously independent and brave, they can become people with no sense of boundaries, and sometimes find themselves in trouble with authority. They have plenty of energy and experiences, but without anyone to teach them how to put these experiences into context, and relate their experiences to the world around them, their energy can get channeled into less than desirable endeavors.
I didn’t like either outcome. It seemed the best way to approach this was to become a “no-but-yes” parent. “No, you cannot jump on the couch, but there's the trampoline, go jump on that.” “No, you cannot put your fingers in the toaster, but come here, let’s make some play dough, and
you can squish it around while it’s still warm and pick some colors to make it.” “No, don’t eat food off the floor, there are plenty more cookies in the cookie jar, go get one from the kitchen.” For every “no” offered, the children in my house received a (hopefully) equally attractive “yes”. If they began doing something unsafe or socially unacceptable, we explained why it was unsafe or unacceptable, and then, gave a more acceptable direction to point their energy towards. In this way, their boldness and courage grew, as they learned they could use their power and energy towards safe and socially acceptable endeavors.
“Make the wrong thing difficult. Make the right thing easy.” Ray Hunt
Horses have the same delightful energy, and are naturally oblivious to our ideas of “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behaviors. Sadly, too many people spend a lot of time trying to “make the wrong thing difficult”, telling their horse “no, no, no!” with every part of their mind and body. In doing so, they miss the important part, the wonderful part, of “making the right thing easy” for the horse, and the “yes, yes, yes!” conversation they could have had. They’re too busy developing plans for saying “no” to notice the opportunities to say “yes”. In order to say “yes”, one has to release their attention from prohibitive plans, and plan to watch for opportunities for growth. “I see you are full of energy today, here, you can run here!” or “I see you are feeling nervous today, here, I’ll give you a job to concentrate on, to take your mind off your worries.”
This doesn’t mean everything the horse does should be considered acceptable; in order to say yes, the educated equestrian has to attend to the horse, to see what it is he feels like doing….and then supplying him with an acceptable task that matches the moment, and the energy he’s offering for your direction. Some days, that horse, that energy, might be a gentle breeze. Other days might be peppered with biting gusts of power. There are some horses who are daily like riding a whirlwind; there are so many moving parts, it takes mammoth effort and strategy to orchestrate and harmonize their mind and body, and direct it productively. Which do you have today?
As riders, parents, teachers, or folders of line-dried sheets, we have the opportunities to fight and struggle against the powers that be, or harness, channel, guide and use them. The power and energy will go on, regardless of our choice. Are you nurturing the “no” horse, the “yes” horse, or the “no-but-yes” horse? Which kind of horse would you like to have as your partner on the trail?
I began noticing how parenting styles varied, but principally, there were the “no” parents and the “yes” parents. The “no” parents were the ones telling their children things like, “Don’t sit on the dog!” “Don’t put your fingers in the toaster!” “Don’t eat that cookie you found on the floor!” As I watched these kids grow, I could see what they thought of themselves. Years of hearing “no, no, no!” had the effect of making them feel either that they were naughty children, who could do no right, or powerless, because they were accustomed to having their energy squelched. They often became either great fighters, or door mats.
The “yes” parents are the permissive type. You know, the ones who bring their brood over for coffee, and then visit with you calmly while their kids raid and pillage, all the while not noticing anything amiss. If you drive by their house at 11 pm, the kids might be still out playing in the middle of the street, after the parents had gone to bed. While these kids are marvelously independent and brave, they can become people with no sense of boundaries, and sometimes find themselves in trouble with authority. They have plenty of energy and experiences, but without anyone to teach them how to put these experiences into context, and relate their experiences to the world around them, their energy can get channeled into less than desirable endeavors.
I didn’t like either outcome. It seemed the best way to approach this was to become a “no-but-yes” parent. “No, you cannot jump on the couch, but there's the trampoline, go jump on that.” “No, you cannot put your fingers in the toaster, but come here, let’s make some play dough, and
you can squish it around while it’s still warm and pick some colors to make it.” “No, don’t eat food off the floor, there are plenty more cookies in the cookie jar, go get one from the kitchen.” For every “no” offered, the children in my house received a (hopefully) equally attractive “yes”. If they began doing something unsafe or socially unacceptable, we explained why it was unsafe or unacceptable, and then, gave a more acceptable direction to point their energy towards. In this way, their boldness and courage grew, as they learned they could use their power and energy towards safe and socially acceptable endeavors.
“Make the wrong thing difficult. Make the right thing easy.” Ray Hunt
Horses have the same delightful energy, and are naturally oblivious to our ideas of “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behaviors. Sadly, too many people spend a lot of time trying to “make the wrong thing difficult”, telling their horse “no, no, no!” with every part of their mind and body. In doing so, they miss the important part, the wonderful part, of “making the right thing easy” for the horse, and the “yes, yes, yes!” conversation they could have had. They’re too busy developing plans for saying “no” to notice the opportunities to say “yes”. In order to say “yes”, one has to release their attention from prohibitive plans, and plan to watch for opportunities for growth. “I see you are full of energy today, here, you can run here!” or “I see you are feeling nervous today, here, I’ll give you a job to concentrate on, to take your mind off your worries.”
This doesn’t mean everything the horse does should be considered acceptable; in order to say yes, the educated equestrian has to attend to the horse, to see what it is he feels like doing….and then supplying him with an acceptable task that matches the moment, and the energy he’s offering for your direction. Some days, that horse, that energy, might be a gentle breeze. Other days might be peppered with biting gusts of power. There are some horses who are daily like riding a whirlwind; there are so many moving parts, it takes mammoth effort and strategy to orchestrate and harmonize their mind and body, and direct it productively. Which do you have today?
As riders, parents, teachers, or folders of line-dried sheets, we have the opportunities to fight and struggle against the powers that be, or harness, channel, guide and use them. The power and energy will go on, regardless of our choice. Are you nurturing the “no” horse, the “yes” horse, or the “no-but-yes” horse? Which kind of horse would you like to have as your partner on the trail?
3.16.12 TME
Return to Educated Equestrian
Return to Educated Equestrian
folding a sheet in a 20 mph wind would drive me to curse like a sailor. Until the day I stopped to think about what I was doing. Why on earth was I trying to fold against the wind? It was not the fault of the wind, or the sheet, that I insisted on standing in that position, and turn folding into an episode of Man Vs. Sheet. I felt so dumb. If I just turned my body, just a little, the wind would carry the sheet away from me, and not only would the wind NOT get in my way, it would actually help me, smooth out the sheet and carry the wrinkles away. The wind was every bit as good as a second pair of hands, when I used its power, instead of fighting it.
